There is so much pain that you could never see it

Not even if you stared through to my soul and broken heart.

The way that I perceive life has changed and 

It’s never been so tragic before,

This could ruin someone’s day but he already ruined my life.

All the things that I used to think could hurt the most

Never compare so now

I’m contemplating the worth of every breath 

When this is something that time cannot heal.

I find myself wondering

If he had used the knife

Maybe I wouldn’t have needed to make myself bleed.

If I told you that I just wanted to be alone for a little while

I would be lying because that wouldn’t be long enough

I think I would miss you and it would corrupt my thoughts

Until I remembered that everyone before you has left

So what makes you any different?

I wouldn’t want to be alone anymore once I knew that

All I would want is your arms and your warmth and 

To feel safe and secure and that there was still honesty left here

You could be different and you were until you fell

Just like all of those before you.

they keep saying, “it’s up to you”, 

“these are your decisions”, “you deserve to be happy”,

and they’re right when say it’s up to me

but the idea of deserving happiness seems to

involve a whole lot of perception

and the way i see myself doesn’t fit what they tell me.

if it’s up to me to make choices that lead to happiness

i don’t know if i want to do it and without that want

maybe i can’t do it and if i can’t do it then maybe in reality

i don’t deserve it after all.

the last night and day have been some of the worst

it’s like not only my mind but my body remember

even if i was determined not to break again

instead i spent an hour in the bathroom in my room

in hospital

again

like five days less than two long years

and it was me and the non-glass mirror

crying together with the black tears staining my skin

and the straightener frantically steaming my hair

my heart hurt and i stopped breathing for a moment

because this is what the mind does i have learnt

memories are triggered in numerous ways

and i guess this is just one of them

it’s been two years and the self hatred may have even grown

just in different ways

perhaps they are even more suffocating than before

but at least i’m not searching for the answers i was missing back then

the questions have changed with the days and seasons and years

maybe in two years i’ll have answers to these ones too

i’m hoping that with discovery the pain lessens

i think i know deep down that i can pretend naivety but it’s a lie

it’s been two emotional and exposing and desperate and sad years

since the morning that the pain was supposed to stop.

it has to say something that i’m still breathing

take what you want

make yourself feel better

just get it over with

break a glass if you must

glass shards flying

there are cracks in the wall

next to me

paint scraped away

and there are drops of blood

stained identically

down the side of my body

and the wall i’m sitting against

if i move there will be 

glass stuck into my foot

going deeper with every step

but that would hurt less

than if i stayed

i don’t think there is anything more

that you could throw

myself included

that would hurt more than

if i stay

I don’t think you understood me when I confessed it all

Because what you told me doesn’t fit 

Now… And what you did to prove your love proved nothing at all except that you never meant a word

When all I ever meant were mine.

You said, “I believe  you”, you said, “I won’t go”, you said, “I won’t hurt you”,

You said you’d stay, said you would always be here, but you’re not and even though it’s better that way, it still kills me to feel this way. How much time was wasted between lines? 

I don’t think you would understand now, if I confessed everything else to you. Not even how desperate I am to hold on to someone, we share that in common.

I would give anything to feel that way again.

203

Sometimes endings hurt no matter what comes next

 but sometimes not saying goodbye

 leaves behind more emotion

 than any memory ever could. 

This is a different pain than what I’m normally left with

 because it didn’t matter what happened

 you were the one I trusted most

 and the only one I believed

 when you said you would 

 always

 stay.

U n c o n d i t i o n a l

 that’s what you said

 yet it seems as if

 I’m no longer worthy

 of even a whispered

 ”goodbye”.